Speaking Truth. Reactivity. Dysregulation.
Tell it Like it Is
I know blog post titles are supposed to adhere to SEO (Search Engine Optimization) rules and guidelines in order to have the best possible reach or to be more easily found on the internet. And, this one is probably not very good from that perspective. I honestly don’t fully grasp those SEO tips and suggestions, but I know lists are big, as well as titles that point directly to the problem addressed in the post. This one is not great on that score, but I hope you will stay with me anyway, because my understanding of these three concepts has been extremely meaningful to my parenting journey.
How are you at receiving truth when it is spoken to you? How do you respond to people who tell you something you don’t want to hear, but perhaps need to? And, how do you deliver the same to folks in your circle?
When you have a child that is a challenge, one that struggles to make good choices — you likely have or will have the occasion when another parent informs you about something unpleasant regarding your child. I have. Probably a few times. But, let’s talk about one such instance.
It happened several years ago. My daughter has always been very engaged with her phone and on social media. It has been one of the biggest thorns in my side. From the time she had a phone, she’s been hooked. While her current digital habits and behaviors are much safer and smarter, that hasn’t always been the case.
A fellow cheer mom called me way back then to tell me about a post that my girl had put up. It was unflattering and did not represent her well. It was words rather than an image, but there was no truth to what had been posted. This mom called to let me know about it.
She was nervous, I could tell. She and I weren’t particularly close, but we had a friendly relationship. We’d cross paths at the gym and competitions, and in the neighborhood that we shared, but we had no real relationship. Normally, reaching out to someone to speak truth requires a solid connection, but we’ll talk more about that later.
She told me about the post, sharing that based on what she knew about me as a mother, she knew that I would want to know. She said she would want to know. She spoke about how much she liked my child — her funny, silly, sweet ways. And, I knew that she was struggling during the conversation. Not because I was rude or defensive. Not because she was inept socially; the exact opposite was true. Not because she was dealing with similar issues; both her children have grown into their teen years with very little angst, I believe. She struggled, because she knew it was hard for me to hear. I believe she knew it hurt me. I know she cared.
This lovely cheer mom is no longer with us. But, I appreciated her being willing to do that hard thing in order to help my child and me.
Now, here’s the thing. Maybe, I don’t need to understand the rules of SEO, but I do need to understand the rules for “speaking truth” to another person. If I don’t, I do harm.
In order to speak truth to another person, you should…
Have a genuine relationship with the person. I have to trust you to be willing to hear the hard thing you need to share. I have to have a little history with you. There needs to be a foundation there. Now, in my example, we weren’t close. However, this mom was genuine enough and communicated effectively enough to demonstrate that she was well meaning. But, that was unusual.
Have the best interests of the person in mind. If you are indifferent about this information or feel lukewarm about the outcome, don’t deliver the information. You should feel strongly that this is the right thing to do. And, the motivation should be pure.
Find the best way in which to communicate this truth, and allow yourself time to process it with the receiver. While the conversation may not take long, be prepared to give it the time that is needed. Don’t dump sensitive stuff on someone like your committing a hit-and-run. Demonstrate a willingness to talk further if it is helpful.
Feel yucky about doing it. If you don’t feel very uncomfortable and sorry to have to share scary or unsettling information with someone, you are not the person to do it. Even though you decide it is the right thing to do, there should be no joy and excitement in it.
Sometimes truth is not a concrete event or a fact. It may be a strongly-held belief or conviction that another person holds as truth. The same rules apply.
When I divorced my husband (the father of my two children), a few individuals shared with me. Without getting into the details of my marriage and the end of it, I consider the failure of that marriage to be my biggest personal failure. While I don’t hold myself completely responsible, I do wish I’d had the wisdom or will or faith or whatever to have made it work. I don’t regret the divorce, but I regret my failure to protect and improve the marriage during the years before the divorce.
When I went through that process, a couple close friends and faith leaders in my life, expressed concern about my decision to divorce and change churches. I love them for trusting me enough to have those hard conversations. We had relationships. I knew that they were looking out for my best interests. They gave me the time I needed. They did it even though it was hard. That’s how we speak truth to one another.
Getting Fired Up
How many of us have found ourselves getting way too worked up and way too emotional when our teen offers up a disrespectful attitude, a lazy or dismissive response to an assignment, a sassy mouth, or a plethora of expectations and even demands? Friends, I was raised old school. So, it is hard sometimes to stay cool when my child behaves in a way completely counter to what I believe is right.
So, when I received information regarding a “truth” via a call from the director of this awesome girls’ camp my daughter had just attended… well, I became sorta uncorked. The information seemed worse than it ultimately turned out to be, but I had felt so excited about her experience at the camp when she’d come home just the day before.
She was in a counseling session with a counselor that I really liked, one that I felt was doing well with my daughter, when I got the call. As the session was nearing the end, I asked to come in and join the counselor and my child. I proceeded to share the information I had gotten, in the process becoming very upset and reactive. I was not communicating in a positive or a productive way.
That counselor that I liked so much then spoke another truth to me about my poor response to the situation. I thought briefly about firing her. But, actually, she was providing the services free of charge as she worked toward supervision hours. I was irritated with her as she explained in a very frank way that I was not going to improve anything in my current state of mind.
She was right. My reactivity to that stressful situation (or any other) is the best way to break down communication with a child who is challenging you. When dealing with kids that are already emotional and irrational, we parents have to do our very best to go to the other extreme. I do much better than I used to, but I still sometimes feel tired or unmotivated to do the right thing. Then, I do the easy thing, which always, always makes the situation harder!
All Over the Place
Emotional dysregulation is what happens when a person is unable to control or regulate their emotional response to a provocative or troublesome stimuli or situation. I’ve worked with students who have depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADHD, and other diagnoses, and many of them have experienced times of dysregulation. My own child has as well. I will tell you a secret. It’s much easier for me to maintain an unemotional (not reactive) state with kids who aren’t mine. But, fortunately, I have learned amazing parenting techniques over the years.
If a reactive parent is trying to resolve conflict, establish boundaries, or present expectations to a dysregulated young person, there is very little opportunity for success. In fact, most likely the problems are going to get bigger. That seems pretty basic, right? I guess it is, but when we are in the middle of the storm, it is sometimes hard to think clearly. As much as you can, read or get appropriate parent training during the calm so you are prepared when the clouds come along.
When my daughter was in treatment, her father, my husband, and I all attended workshops with other struggling parents. It was a very affirming process, and the information was excellent. That particular training was part of a specific program, and I don’t believe it is available online to the general public. However, I have provided a link to an article about the best online parent trainings. This might be worth a look.
I am also recommending a book, which is part of a bigger platform that you can find online. This book, which we read during my daughter’s time in treatment, was extremely helpful during her transition home. Click here for Not By Chance by Dr. Tim R. Thayne.
We love our kids, and we want to do the very best we can for them.
Blessings to you on every day of your parenting journey!
Hally
